The Ultra way to start a new job in tech (Sarcastic and in good humor)

How to assert your dominance on your first day.

So, are you starting a new job in tech? My advice to you is, go on google the day before you start, make sure you find the new-newest technology ever, be sure to choose one that 1-3 people are contributing to. (More than 3 means that there’s more than 1 in 3.3 billion that someone will know this tech and therefore – it’s not obscure enough!).

On your first day, start raving about the benefit of said technology (let’s call it Shmlurppp for the sake of our examples).

Talk about Shmlurppp with your new team members and push as hard as you can to use it.

Don’t forget to tell them that their current 3 months old tech stack is obsolete, old and stupid! Try as hard as you can to let them know you know more than them because you know Shmlurppp and no one there has even heard of it…

Doing that is the best way to assert your dominance on your team and let them know that… well… hmmm… you are better than them!

Because, you know the obscure technology that they don’t know (which of course you don’t really know, but they don’t know, so don’t say no!)

Important! Don’t learn the tech, just learn the buzzwords and read they “Why yes?” on that technology’s README file (Feel free to skip the “Why not”, there’s no need for that. to assert dominance never retreat! always push for yes no matter if it makes sense or not!).

Also, don’t worry! no one will move to it the new tech stack, but by pushing for new tech and mocking what is already working and established you will assert dominance and form the “Top Dog” mentality.

Now now, on some rare occasions there will be a team member that will rebuttal and tell you that this technology is already obsolete and there’s Shmlurppp 2.0 already or any other silly name of a project that does what you suggested, but better…

FEAR NOT! he is not doing it because he thinks that, he is trying to assert his dominance over you; you immediately must say that the developer is dumb! this project is clearly un-tested and their approach to that problem is all wrong and stupid (try to use as many derogatory terms you can when you describe another project/tech stacks that are not yours…).

In case someone has tried to assert his dominance over you and tried to negate your idea, REMEMBER – it’s the best-case scenario – you, my friend, have just found your fighting buddy; a person you will fight with during code reviews and architecture talks while doing that you two will assert your dominance on the entire team and produce zero to minimal amount of productivity to the company you work for.

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